There’s one thing that I do, that some people find weird. Each time I upgrade my phone, I bring along all the photos from my old phone to my new one. That means that I have photos spanning back to around 2011 until present day. I am a nostalgic person, I like to look back and see how far I have come. The only issue with this, is that you go back to 2011 and I was overweight, then during 2012-2015 I had lost weight and was just “regular” and then from 2015 until now, I have changed once more and put on weight.
I have spoken before about my journey, and how it became my only focus in life. I didn’t really care about other things, I just had to make sure I was eating right, working out and weighing myself every single day. Looking back, I know how disordered that had become and how I probably would have never really stopped it if I had have moved from one situation into another.
Really, the catalyst for such changes were changes in my circumstances. I went from being poor and hardly being able to live, being single and doing what I wanted, so I lost a lot of weight, to being in a relationship where I had to give up everything I owned, in order to provide money to someone else who was supposed to use it for a specific purpose, but ended up using it to live lavishly. I then left that situation to being on my own again, but this time, being able to afford to actually live and thus began the slow progression to putting weight back on.
You could say that my finances really dictated my body, but they didn’t really. A desire and need to be the best was what dictated my body. I lost weight to find me somebody, then put on weight when I realised that somebody needed to love me for whatever state I am in.
I do not look back and feel angry that these things happened, or that I was one way and now I am another. When I was slimmer and you could see my muscles, I was happy but because I was being desired. Now I am thicker, I am still happy because I am my true self and there’s still desire there. It is all down to the perception of vanity and how that really builds into your own perceptions of things.
To me, whether you want to admit it or not, there is always some part of you that is vain. You may lack confidence but you’ll always have vanity, because there are days you will feel you look on point, and days you don’t, but you don’t need confidence to see you look good, you just need vanity. Vanity is uncompromising and doesn’t require confidence at all, it just requires the basic need within us all that we look good. You do your hair, your face, you pick the outfit, all of us have that little piece within.
That’s why I don’t look back with anger. I am what I am, I am in the state I am in, and I’m cool with that. All these pictures show me through the years is that I did it once, I can do it again. It all depends on the amount of time and energy I want to dedicate to that particular project – dieting just isn’t a priority right now, but it probably will be at some point soon. I just have to get through the other mazes of life before we get there.