There’s one thing to always remember about me: my body positive attitude isn’t confined to the ideas of being fat. I believe that no matter what your body is, you should be positive about it, and you should also not try and tear other people down for theirs. The fact of the matter is, you don’t know what someone else is going through, or has gone through. You can try and tear down someone on the opposite end of the spectrum not realising the damage you’re doing to their recovery from something. So no matter what, I believe every body is beautiful.
That being said, I want to clarify that I am comfortable in my body. I haven’t always been. I didn’t even realise I was getting fat at one point, but here I am now, larger than I have ever been, but I’m still happy. So, if I am so happy, why am I now deciding to go on a diet?
This isn’t some sponsored effort. It’s not for anything or anyone except myself. I won’t be taking diet pills or drinking a certain type of tea. I don’t even remember the last time I drank tea, even though I have a strange hankering for some London Fog, despite never actually drinking that either! My choice is somewhat hard to explain, but also, probably fairly simple and touches on things I have mentioned before.
Some may draw the conclusion that my choice to diet is due to my constant tweeting at ASOS for cutting down the Plus Size selection they have on offer, and only really offering their oversized versions of clothes to that category of people, whilst providing numerous cropped and mesh option to those of a “regular” size, who they deem would be more attractive in those clothes. I don’t think they particularly get to dictate and if they are producing an item for their own brand in one size, they should provide it in all sizes…like they do with the rest of their ASOS Design clothes.
Again, it isn’t that. It could be viewed that it’s the pressure of getting married because I have mentioned that before. The comments that have been passed to try and encourage me to lose weight to look good on my wedding day, when I’m cranking out banging insta posts all the time anyway! That vanity is always there, no matter what size I am it would appear. There is a low level, hidden away confidence that comes with knowing that when I was slimmer or bigger, people have always found me attractive.
The real reason why I am choosing to go on a diet, is just to improve a little bit of my health. I know I am playing into the narrative of “fat = unhealthy” by saying that, but over the last few months, my health has deteriorated and I have ignored it, trying to maintain my grip on being a fatness advocate for something that never really came to fruition. The people who will tell me I am a source of inspiration for them, are all actually on diets, and regularly putting themselves down whilst trying to lift me up.
In reality though, I have started suffering with joint pain specifically in my knees. I know that is from carrying around a lot of weight. I also end up with a lot of back ache, and I have begun getting welts on my stomach where my belt has been pressing in to me on a daily basis. It paints a grim but real picture of what is actually going on with me, and whilst I wouldn’t want people to use this as a reasoning for saying fatness is wrong, I have to do something to improve my own health no matter what.
Is my health worth being an advocate for? Worth being a influencer for? I don’t think it is, and that’s the hardest kind of decision I have to make. However, my diet is going to be different to the ones I have done before.
I still refuse to jump onto the scales. My relationship with scales whilst dieting was and always has been dangerous, because seeing the number creates an obsession within me and creates disordered eating and compulsive exercising. That’s not the sort of health kick I want to be on. I also have no target weight, because I don’t know really what I am starting out at. That way, I have no goal defined, and whilst some may say that this is pointless, to me, I’ll know when I’m comfortable enough to stop. And that’s when I have noticed that my joint pain has reduced, when my back doesn’t ache regularly, when my stomach doesn’t get welts and when I can actually walk up the stairs without having to catch my breath (which probably won’t ever happen because I have a habit of holding my breath whilst walking up the stairs – I always have).
The most important factor in this decision making is that I am doing this for myself and that it doesn’t change my stance on body positivity, acceptance and fatness. I’ll still be considered fat by the end of it. I have about 500 days until my wedding day, do I really think that 500 days of eating better and moving more is going to cure me of my fatness? No, but also, I don’t want to be cured, because there is nothing to cure. The top and bottom of it is always going to be that I did this to my body. No one forced me to eat, or stop exercising, just like no one is forcing me to diet and move more. I am responsible for my body and choosing to do whatever I want with it.
I am comfortable enough to admit these things. So, that is why I am going on a diet.