So last night, on my Instagram, I uploaded three images that I had already posted to the platform but they were distorted and read “Break” “The” “Cycle”. Now, this actually had a couple of meanings and reasons why I posted these images, in that way, with that caption but zero hashtags (they literally garnered a handful of likes across them), and that’s where this blog comes in, because they were ultimately going to point here today.
My initial project for this year over on my Instagram was to theme it. It was supposed to start off with my new pink office, and cycle through the original colours of the rainbow flag until August. I started pink, did my reds and then I was half way through my oranges. There were supposed to be about 7-9 rows of images, all featuring the colour predominantly for a month before moving onto the next.
Originally, I loved the idea, I cracked out the pinks with ease, the red was a little harsher, but trying to find a multitude of orange items and pieces of clothing, was hard. Ultimately I realised, that without having all these pieces already, I was actually going to end up spending a lot more money than needed, for a project that was the least likely to make me any money in the long run.
You see, as much as I’d wish for someone to maybe pick up this blog and offer me something substantial, or even pick up on my instagram for the same reasons, I have a full time job, I also have a part time job and a voluntary position that all fill my time, along with this blog and my socials – actually taking on something else would have to be big bucks, and the brands that have reached out to me are small bucks – no offence.
I am also, in no way, an influencer. I get people asking where I bought a top from, and the easiest answer is usually, ASOS, because I have no time to go out to a shop to try and find something to fit all this bod.
This post was supposed to follow on from last weeks post, with a “Pack Like Me” post that was supposed to show you how I pack for a weekend away with family but the weekend was so short and so stressful that I couldn’t really be bothered piecing those pieces together to show you all. Just make sure you have some money, maybe some booze and book into a hotel where your family isn’t staying (that’s no reflection of my sister and niblings, it was more of, “it gives you space from the potentially more triggering relatives”).
But this also feeds into this week’s post, surprise! So, if you’re new around here, I got engaged to my wonderful partner JK who does complete me, because the qualities we both lack, the other one has (awww) but since that announcement there has been an underlying conversation: “Oh, you’ll want to lose weight for the wedding”.
Now, this feeds into this passed weekend only lightly, because I dreaded the weekend. I honestly did. I packed two baggy oversized brightly coloured jumpers, to avoid the conversations being about my weight and more about my choice of fashion – I’m camp and kitsch, it can be explained away. I dreaded it because photos from our holiday last year, when we got engaged, had already been picked apart because over the last 4-5 years I had put on weight and how different and worrying it was.
I walked into this situation waiting for that conversation to be restarted and what did I get?
“Oh, he has put on some weight since the last time I saw him, but let people do what they want, live and let live”
It was also pointed out that it had been quite a few years since I had been around and it’s kind of expected that people may have changed. There was also a conversation about the wedding and weight and that was met with:
“Don’t bother, you’ll probably put it back on and then look back at your photos not recognising yourself.”
That may actually be very true, but it still doesn’t stop the conversation from occurring. Especially recently when we have put other plans in to motion with booking our photographer and cake, and soon florist (hopefully) before waiting until later in the year for the rest. I’m not particularly overly sensitive about my weight. I know that I have put on weight, I also know that I lost a lot of weight previously, and I could probably do it again.
Whilst I’ve broken the cycle of inane colour posting on Instagram, I want to break the cycle that just because I am getting married, I should lose weight for that day. I should lose weight because I want to, and because it’s for more than one day. I want to break the cycle of that conversation being touted as something that should occur because you’ve chosen to unite with someone who loves you the way you are.
Ultimately, what I want to do is break the cycle of toxicity. Having toxic thoughts, listening to toxic comments and exhibiting toxic behaviours. Yes, last night I had a salad for my dinner, and this morning I had porridge so I could probably skip out on lunch, and yes, I do want to lose a bit of weight but honey, don’t think it’s for ‘The Big Day’ because it isn’t. It’s another shift in my perception of my own health and needing to shed a few pounds to feel healthier again. It doesn’t mean that I am unhealthy right now, but I sweat a lot more and I’m out of breath more often, so it probably won’t hurt.
Break the cycle of the bad shit in your life. Break. It.