I have actually possibly written about this before, but looking over older posts in the same category, I think I may have deleted it whilst trying to tidy up some of my blog. It is something that quite often, I put to the back of my mind, because it doesn’t always matter, but whilst doing some wedmin recently, I came to realise that it’s something I still have to do.
This idea is that being part of the LGBTQ community means you’re never truly “out” and that you have to repeat the coming out process.
I’m 30, I’m a big boy and fully capable of accepting the world as it is, whilst still wanting to change it. I am also someone who likes to make sure every detail is planned, and whilst my wedding is still about 20 months away, I need to make sure everything is in place now.
The venue is booked, as are the registrars, but we have appointments for our cake, flowers and photographer still to grapple with. The cake was easy, unlike for some – it’s being made by a friend of ours who has her own, established cake company and she knows we are two men in love, but all the others, they don’t know.
Trying to set up appointments and meetings is something I find stressful because at the moment, I have my fingers in about 6 different pies, trying to make sure everything is running smoothly. This leaves very little time to just have free. Luckily, I clear most evenings and still get to spend quality time with my future husband JK, but trying to find time elsewhere is tough.
Adding to this complication is the fact that I don’t want to turn up to any of these wedding meetings and end up leaving with nothing because for some strange reason they have an issue with us being two men. That means having to divulge this information prior to the meeting. I say “having to” when actually I don’t, but I prefer to, and avoid any disappointment for us thinking we’ve nearly cracked it.
Sometimes it feels that maybe someone is going to take it as we’re making a big deal that it’s two men getting married, when it isn’t. To me, marriage equality is marriage equality, the fact that I have that right now, is something I will take advantage of, regardless, but it’s just a marriage, like any other thing. Having to come out over an over again is just a byproduct of the process. I don’t refer to my “gay” wedding, it’s just my wedding, and to me it’s just a normal thing.
I think there is a certain fear involved though. I feel the need to be visible and upfront because I have a fear that either I’d be rejected or that I would have no control over how the information is delivered. But, my point still stands, we do have to keep coming out, over and over again, because it does matter.
Some people will feel like we mention our sexuality because we want to make a big deal out of it, but society is still dictated by these factors. It’s the whole “less than” argument. We are forever “less than” because we are from the “other” camp. Otherness is what defines society because we can’t move passed it. Yes, society is more accepting these days, but it doesn’t mean it is any more evolved. Everyone has to fit into a box, that’s placed inside another box, and another box.
It is tiresome having to keep coming out. It’s also tiresome having to feel the fear of rejection because of something that I can not change. I have to come out, because like I experienced at a wedding fayre this month, I get dismissed in this realm. It was assumed my sister was the bride when she is just my groomsmaid, and it happened a few times. A conversation of mine, with a cake supplier, was cut off, because someone assumed my conversation as a male, to a wedding cake supplier, was less important than her conversation as a female (mother of the bride). When she wasn’t stopped from interrupting my the supplier, I walked away and didn’t go back later on.
This isn’t a “woe is me, I’m a poor man” kind of post before it gets translated like that. I do believe that if it had been my sister talking the conversation probably wouldn’t have been interrupted but I can’t know that for sure. There was also only one person displaying there that had any sort of same-sex display on show.
Whilst we have our parades that offend some people, and that we have certain rights that upset some other people, we’re still not fully in the conversation. Repeatedly coming out, over and over, to people we may never speak to again, it something that we have to do to push ourselves forward and be seen more. Our tiredness means that at some point in the future, others don’t have to get tired, it’s just easier. The future has to be better.