So, what’s been going on in the world of Ted? Well, I guess lots of things have been happening, but the main thing that’s been going on, is a bit of an identity crisis. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t really know. The problem is, that I think I’m still very much in the middle of it.
So, what exactly has started this off? Well, I guess there’s a bunch of things that have been happening, that I’ve been keeping quiet about, because sometimes a boy needs a little privacy. But, long time readers of any of my blogs should know by now, that at the crux of everything there is the fact that I create personas and I run with them. Most people, although it’s sometimes a shocker, don’t realise that I don’t use my real surname in most places, in fact, you’ll only find it on Facebook.
There is reason for that, and that is definitely about privacy. Those who I don’t mind knowing the intricacies of my life get a pass, the rest, don’t.
But I digress. So, for a lot of the last few months, I have been the guy who is ‘independent’ and happy and willing to proclaim I don’t need a man around to make me feel validated. This is still true, but sometimes things become more complex and complicated. Sometimes, people come along, and whilst there are no commitments, they make a big impact in your life, and you keep them around – not because they are useful, but because they enrich your life in ways other people don’t or can’t.
This is where the identity crisis sort of began. What does it make me now, when I allow someone to be there for me? My trust issues have sort of faded a little but are still there, and whilst I still cling to this Destiny’s Child-esque Independent Ladies stance, does having someone there really change things?
Another reason for the identity crisis is based around my choice of expression. In recent months, and as is well documented, my progression into a radical homosexual has reached a point where, I have created items of clothing, purely to stick the finger up at people, and to stand out from the crowd to say “yes, I am a homosexual, what are you going to do?”
I have moved from this lumberjack-esque bear type, into this more at ease man who is happy to wear pink, or gold, or have lavender hair, and whilst I enjoy being this way, there is a massive question mark over me as if to say: “is this really you?”
You see, I have been a victim of internalised homophobia, where I’ve been totally against wearing things that are pink and not being “that kinda gay”, when really, there’s no problem with it, and that the two things work off each other. Yes, I am gay, but I don’t need to be so scared of being “femme” or feel bad for looking “masc”, or whatever you want to say.
It’s very much up in the air as to who I am now, compared to who I used to be, and this is the struggle. But, I’ll keep going. I’ll keep trying to find my answers.