I have reached a point where I accept my own bullshit. To put it frankly, I keep saying I’m going to live healthy and lose weight, but then I’ll happily wolf down a tube of pringles, two sandwiches, a 5 pack of brownies and a few pork pies but I’m “living healthy”. No, I’m not.
To be honest, I am reaching my boiling point, where everything is just going to get too much and flow right out. In December, I booked to go away to Italy to see my father (where I am right now because this has been a scheduled post), and I promised myself then to work on me, lose weight and go there feeling good about myself. I actually came here, feeling pretty crap about myself.
You see, food has always been a crutch. I use it like medication. I’m feeling low, solve it with food. I’m feeling stressed, solve it with food. I’m feeling happy, shovel more food in. I am a classic case of an emotional eater, it’s just, every emotion warrants eating, and that, unfortunately, means that I’m a jolly fat guy and a sad fat guy.
There is no one to blame but myself, and I totally get that. I get annoyed when people fat shame others, but I get anxious when others compliment me, knowing that I am potentially the biggest I have ever been. My scales have gathered dust because I just don’t want to know the reality of the situation I find myself in.
What I need is another overhaul. And to be honest, Facebook has been the kindling in this new wave of: no seriously, I’m going to live healthy. Because it was around this time, in 2014, that I had finished a two year battle with my weight and lost upwards of 6 stone. I kept most of it off and lost even more, but then I also started adding more on when things got tough. And little by little, I’ve added more and more on.
I actually feel unhealthy now, rather than just ignoring it. I feel like, I am too big for most things, I’ve had to start buying clothes in bigger sizes and get upset when even they start to feel a little tight and I seldom blame the washing machine because I know it’s me and my unbridled enjoyment of food.
Now, don’t get me wrong, whilst I feel awful and that I am potentially the fattest I have ever been, it doesn’t 100% mean I don’t embrace my body. I’ll still enjoy my nudist lifestyle, I’ll still show off my body as and when I feel I should or can, but this just isn’t me. I started my health kick in 2012 to feel better, look good and avoid the overwhelming evidence that my family always have weight related illnesses. Then I forgot about it and this is where I am now. It’s time to change and the time is definitely now.