It has perhaps been a while since I openly or honestly addressed my mental health. There’s reasons for this. One being, I don’t want to be that guy to make my mental health my defining feature, and the other being, I don’t want to make out as if I am boasting.
The fact of the matter is, my mental health is pretty well balanced and has been for a while. I don’t quite know what happened, and regardless of switching off part of my emotions (which I talk about here), I feel good. Is it because I am living my life for me and feel less burdened with the ideals of someone else? Perhaps. Is it just because I am mentally making myself enjoy life and that a chain reaction of good karma has come my way? Again, perhaps.
The problem is, people who are around me, and suffer the same problems as I do, aren’t all that supportive that I have survived and thrived from my darkest hours. Friends who are still in the darkest parts are sour that I aren’t at the same level as them, and my ex who I have contact with every so often, really doesn’t seem impressed that whilst he is down, I am up.
Is life perfect? No, not really, but am I going to hold myself down because that is what people expect and what people ask me about? No. If I can climb out of the pit I was in, then I’m going to do it. I won’t deny that a lot of my mental energy is now directed towards making myself enjoy life, even for the smaller parts, but at least it’s not directed at the ledge I was once on.
I have quite open talks with those closest to me, and whilst I enjoy this calm right now, I am more than aware that I could have attached a bungee cord, and I am just moments away from it snapping me back. This is part of the reason why I am hesitant about feelings for someone else or even the concept of a relationship, and I’m sure this accounts for my non-monogamy standpoint right now. This is because a relationship is what shoved me to that edge. Well the absolute betrayal of a friend and lover.
Mental health is a constant battle, and whilst it may seem my problems aren’t so bad, to me they were. I fought them, and at the moment I enjoy being ‘on the level’ so to speak, but I am not completely oblivious to the idea that I could be right on the edge all over again. I could be peering into the abyss again. I don’t think I will ever truly be over my depression or anxiety, they’re a part of my life, but they don’t define it. If I can convince myself that for right now, I’m good, then I’m good. Am I going to talk about it? Yes and no. It’s all about personal experience and this is mine. I aren’t going to cure my head. It is just life. And right now, life is good.