It has been quite some time since I paid some serious attention to the current state of my body, and just exactly where I am in the grand scheme of being healthy. My diet has changed dramatically, and my physical activity varies wildly depending upon the time I have spare outside of work. Granted, I have stopped lifting weights and using my cross trainer, but in the absence of both of those, I have begun riding my bike a hell of a lot more.
There was a time, when I was obsessed with weighing myself, to the point that even though my weight wasn’t really low, it was an unhealthy obsession of checking something that fluctuated daily. Since I moved into my own place last October, I haven’t had a pair of scales at home, nor have I used any elsewhere, just because I wasn’t so bothered.
However, my new determination to get back to where I was in 2014 has prompted me to question just exactly where I am, despite apprehension of the results. So, I logged onto a few shopping websites and started looking for a pair of scales. Previously, I was only bothered about how heavy I was, but now it’s more than that. I have a desire to know the rest of the information, rather than trying to work it out for myself. Do I really want to sit and try to calculate my BMI? And what about my body fat?
Suffice to say, after an hour or so browsing, I found a pair of scales, that do all the extra bits, and for a relatively low price, although I have to input the data myself into my Apple Health app. I bought them, and waited until the next morning to try them out.
Was I happy with where I am now? No, I’m not. I have literally undone two years worth of work to find myself back in the same place I was in 2012. But, there’s one thing that I now know; I’ve done it once, and I can do it again.
My problem will forever be that I am an emotional eater, and that I also don’t always regulate my portion sizes; issues I can definitely address and alter within time. Although, with saying that, my emotional state has been pretty level pegging for a while now, and I have remained on the right side of it, although portion control is always big, but now without the added animal fats, it’s not so bad.
I have already rekindled the obsession however, and I’m having to hold myself back from jumping on the scales every morning. It’s just that I think I should have lost weight nearly every day, when in reality, it fluctuates too wildly for it to be that accurate. For now, and because I can’t quell the obsession all that well just yet, it’ll be every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, until I get it into my head that just one reading a week will suffice.
There will always be a sense of dread when it comes to me and a set of scales, and I think that will remain even when I have achieved my goal again. It’s that sense of fear from what the reading will be, and what the means for my self-confidence, self-image and how I perceive others will view me. But with that being said, I am trying not to let it ruin my mood, yes, I am now back at a terrible starting point, but I know that I can end where I did in 2014, and maybe even further beyond that point.