I have a particular skill that I can’t ever seem to shake. Is it a good thing? Not particularly, but it’s a skill that is perhaps more of a bad habit. The skill in question, is being able to turn something seemingly neutral, into a massive negative that I just run with to the point that I upset myself, and sometimes those around me.
What was actually said wasn’t that bad, but to me, who was in a bad mood anyway, it was a massive negative and it was like I was being shot in the heart, metaphorically of course. I ran with the abbreviated comment that I “wasn’t enough”, and spent the next 24 hours feeling that way.
It’s not the first time I have felt such despair, or taken a similar comment to heart, and it perhaps triggered a “bad choice” phase of my life that I was evidently trying to avoid this time around. Feeling like you are not enough for people is a harsh feeling to ever go through, especially if those people are close to you. Feeling like you’re not good enough of a relative or significant other, even when you put all your effort into being the best person you can, just shakes you to your core when you are emotionally fragile, like I often find myself being through mental exhaustion.
What was actually meant by the comment that set everything into motion was that there just needed to be a slight change in how things were meant to proceed, and after 24 hours of torturing myself, this became apparent and prompted me to write another inspirational note card for my pin board, just so that I didn’t forget it.
But what is enough? It’s sometimes hard to find a balance with what you should give to other people. Sometimes, you can give too much, which I am guilty of at times. You can be too much for people if you’re pushing your own ideals of what should happen in any given situation. Similarly though, you can also not be enough if you lack the effort or foresight to be a positive presence. People require you in different measures and at different levels, and this is the skill I need to hone.
I know that when I am at work, some of my colleagues need me more than the others do, and I know in which proportions to give myself to them. Some of the people I support need me more than others, and some want me more than they need, so it’s finding the right balance of being there, and letting them stand on their own two feet.
When it comes to my more personal relationships, I know my best friend doesn’t need me there as much, and so we can go weeks without speaking, but similarly we can go weeks with talking a lot. My family, don’t need me around as much, but they like me to still make the effort regularly, even if it’s not with my physical presence, and that comes with age. I still bother with them, and they bother with me, but I’m nearly 30 and I rely on them a lot less.
Then comes my relationship with my boyfriend. This is where it fluctuates because of the different needs we both have. Sometimes I am too much, and I have to walk away because I get too insecure at times and lavish more love than is needed onto him – similarly, I can sometimes, although rarely, be too evasive to that if I am trying to play it cool and give him space. It was here that the message got confused and why I went off spiralling into my own little whirlwind of self-loathing for 24 hours. And that is because I am more emotionally receptive to him than at times I should be. Is it a bad thing? Not really, and it was a momentary fault in the road, that we fixed and progressed on with.
Fact of the matter is, if you’re not someone that is immediately close to me, then I’m not going to be that emotionally open to you, or take what you say to heart, but as you work your way inside those inner circles, then I’ll take more note and I am perhaps going to fly off the handle at one little comment if I am feeling that way out.
At the end of the day though, the little issue taught me one thing: I am enough, for everyone positive in my life right now. There’s nothing that can take that away from me because I am here and I am trying to continue being this better person.