Sometimes, I aim to avoid talking about certain areas of my life, because they can be easily misconstrued and be used against me in a negative way. However, in the pursuit of truly reaching out to men like me, I have to sometimes write these things down.
Now, I was never brought up in a religious household, never really went to church except with school, never really considered what came after life, and my parents never really tried to impress anything upon me. I wasn’t Christened, being allowed to make my own choices with age. I have looked into many religions and never found one I can truly adopt to be my own, and so over time, I have taken and plucked what I consider to be the best of the bunch.
I don’t particularly believe in any deities, although I try to consider it, and I don’t think religion is a terribly positive thing to be part of: it has been used too many times to segregate and harm people, despite preaching about love and peace.
What I do believe in is energy. I believe there is a certain flow, and sometimes that is positive and sometimes it’s negative. I try to remain on the positive side, but I suppose my use of “occult” items such as tarot and elder futhark runes would perhaps, in some views, bring about negative energy. However, I only use the above on a full moon, when divination powers are supposedly at their best, and I only do readings when I really have to put my mind at rest.
Now, do not read into this that I am wiccan, but perhaps I’d fall into the greater category of pagan, but I am loathed to attribute my beliefs in such a way. Either way, recently, I’ve felt a lot of negative energy building up around me. It was happening a lot and disrupting my sleep, but what became more disturbing was the fact that every night, between 3am and 3:15am I was waking up. Anyone who knows this sort of stuff will know that between 3am and 4am traditionally is the witching hour. It’s apparently the only hour not ‘protected’ by Catholic prayer, and thus, all manner of nasties can leap forth.
I knew this, and so when I woke up every night, I’d just check the time and try to go back off to sleep, not looking in any mirrors or anything that may or may not have confirmed something was waking me. But I let it go on for some time not really registering what was going on, because it could happen for four nights in a row, and then nothing for a few days.
You could put it down to stress, or whatever, but eventually I had to take matters into my own hands. Along with the runes and the tarot, I do possess a white sage smudging stick. I have seldom used it and reserve it for moving and when I just feel something bad has gathered. When arguments or upset happen, I believe that releases bad energy into a room and it builds and gathers (it’s also why some believed that spider built their webs in the corners or rooms because of the bad energy; nothing to do with the fact it gave plenty of surfaces to suspend their webs on).
So I smudged. It’s a tradition that has been taken from the Native Americans and probably bastardised along the way, but I’m there, lighting the stick with a candle wafting it’s smoke with a feather, thinking positive and healing thoughts.
That night, I slept like a baby, and have ever since, except during this heatwave. Whether it be dispelling of negative energy, or just a placebo effect for my stress, it worked. It worked because sometimes it is worth having a little bit of faith, even if it’s in a simple object and not in a abstract person.